I think that I have done this work, over the past few months. I have certainly sat on my shoulder and observed my on-line behaviour…where I go, what I do.

My online behaviour is very predictable. Much like the recent cell phone tracking research

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/05/science/05mobile.html?partner=rssnyt&emc=rss

that demonstrated that most people rarely stray far from home, I tend to visit the same places. In my case Facebook, trade me, wordpress, nzherald, guardianonline, youtube, and webmail services.

and I rarely write…..I click click click

I used to write.

Back in the dark ages (about 3-4 years ago I was a regular poster on bulletin boards)

what changed. I’ve become more passive. As the internet has become more interactive I have become less so. It feels almost like my brain has become stupefied by so much information, and so much fast information that I just don’t want to do anything but be spoon fed.

It’s interesting that this transition came about after I got broadband.

Before, pages took so long to download that it was was worth posting. Had to do something as the bar slowly coloured. I have now become and instant gratification fiend.

I try new sites, but if they don’t instantly engage me I don’t go further,

I don’t want to write…apart from short bursts (twitter would suit be perfectly)

I don’t want to know anymore…I want to be entertained.

I think cyberspace has moved from knowledge to entertainment for me

The sad thing is that as I move into this more passive positions, I start forgetting what I loved about cyber space in the first place.

I loved being able to connect with people, that was what it was about for me.

Now as I am entertained I become more unsatisfied.

I spend time playing Mobwars on facebook, appearing offline so that I don’t have to chat to friends.

As I write this I realise that I am starting to fit the DSMIV criteria for addiction!

I’m wondering why I  have posted so few times, when I have spent so much time on the net.

I’ve been so concerned about getting it wrong that I have done very little!

But any way…thinking about me on line….who am I.

I have started a couple of blogs, this one obviously and another anonymous one.

Certainly the on the anonymous one I find myslelf more playful. I am less concerned about being judged by people I know which leaves me able to express parts of myself that I don’t usually at work, or even in Auckland.

In Auckland, at work at study I seem to be the grown up me. The mum, the wife, the worker, the daughter in law, the neighbour, the responsible one. Sure infused with me but not the me that I feel like when I’m me and unencumbered.

And what about the online me.
Well that seems to have different mes too.

There is the eco warrier me. The one that preaches peace harmony and eco love. I have fun being this one although she can be sickeningly sweet and perfect. It’s easy to have high ideals in cyberspace where there are no physical actions to be taken

Then there is the annoying devil’s advocate me that has been known to be argue for the sake of arguing on bulletin boards.

There is the politically correct me that rails against all injustice without fear of context or reprisal…is very closely related to the eco warrier.

There is the coy and nerdy me. She seems to appear in second life, where I have just started visiting. She is socially inept and self conscious, and trying to fit in, do the right thing, look the right way.

Then there’s the playful me. I like this one best. The one that is irreverent. cheeky, sexy and self assured. She appears mainly in places where I am not known. Where people have less expectations of me. So she turns up in my anonymous blog and she also turns up in Wanganui (where she tends to smoke ciggies  which she doesn’t do anywhere else). I think she is the embodiment of the girl who left England, before life got complicated. My migration seems traumatic in a sense so being online allows me to go back to the me that I like best, the me that got left behind when I was 25.

She’s smart but doesn’t take life to seriously, she loves people and fun and is hopelessly optimistic. It’s funny that she only appears online as a blog as online is the perfect place for her. I think that I believe that there is no place for her in normal society anymore, and that includes in most of cyberspace. As I write this I realise that’s it sad that I allow such a vital self to be hidden, especially as I believe it to be the essence of me…why would I hide her from the world.

Hope the pup likes this chew toy

http://thinksimplenow.com/productivity/the-panacea-for-putting-things-off

I’ve come to realise that I engage in the same way with everybody.

Strange

It came about when I was chatting to someone that i haven’t seen for seven year, I was chatting in the same way that I chat to my sister, to my friends that I see regularly. I thought Whoa! This isn’t natural.

If I saw someone that I was once close to that I hadn;t seen for some years I would effuse, I would enthuse, I would in general bubble over. But here I was talking in this neutral kind of way.

I wondered what could be happening.
What I think was happening was that I view the “other” as one big entitity. The words are not enough to define individuality. yesterday I felt bored an really unconnected. what’s the point in engaging in this way when it is all so neutral? Yesterday I felt deeply unsatisfied.

Today however, I reflect on hhow relationships need to build online. That 10 minutes of back and forth with and old friends is unsatisfactory but building that relationship, through regular contact may change that, and reduce the ennui.

Am I alone in experiencing this? What are the implications for counselling?

I ran group tonight and had the experience of feeling pressure from a group member to fulfill a need and this affirmed for me how we can experience similar issues on-line as off. The great part of on-line work is that extra breathing space. The chance to say to a co-facilitator “shit, I don’t know where I’m going here”

But is that pause OK?

In f2f groups there is no pause ( saying that in solution focus therapy they have a whole reflecting team and part of the session is dedicated to pondering) .

Tonight I felt like it was a cop out. That’s about my continued process of getting used to this way of working. Actually it’s OK to reflect, people will come alone for a mo. But then is it a mixing of communication timing…can we handle synchronous and asynchronous in the same group?

By the way…I decided to let him be friend on a trial for a month!