our online identities

online identity

I like the positive spin that he puts on the better selves that we present online. That these are aspirational and therefore drive us to be those people. A bit like Neurolinguistic programming or solution focused therapy…we view ourselves being that person. Or like a an athlete visually the perfect lift or hold or kick. It makes those neural connections that make it easier to execute in “real life”

What do I look like?

Realising that this is the last day to post…and realising that I haven’t fulfilled the criteria fills me with some despondency.

I’m wondering why I  have posted so few times, when I have spent so much time on the net.

I’ve been so concerned about getting it wrong that I have done very little!

But any way…thinking about me on line….who am I.

I have started a couple of blogs, this one obviously and another anonymous one.

Certainly the on the anonymous one I find myslelf more playful. I am less concerned about being judged by people I know which leaves me able to express parts of myself that I don’t usually at work, or even in Auckland.

In Auckland, at work at study I seem to be the grown up me. The mum, the wife, the worker, the daughter in law, the neighbour, the responsible one. Sure infused with me but not the me that I feel like when I’m me and unencumbered.

And what about the online me.
Well that seems to have different mes too.

 

There is the eco warrier me. The one that preaches peace harmony and eco love. I have fun being this one although she can be sickeningly sweet and perfect. It’s easy to have high ideals in cyberspace where there are no physical actions to be taken

 

Then there is the annoying devil’s advocate me that has been known to be argue for the sake of arguing on bulletin boards.

 

There is the politically correct me that rails against all injustice without fear of context or reprisal…is very closely related to the eco warrier.

 

There is the coy and nerdy me. She seems to appear in second life, where I have just started visiting. She is socially inept and self conscious, and trying to fit in, do the right thing, look the right way.

 

Then there’s the playful me. I like this one best. The one that is irreverent. cheeky, sexy and self assured. She appears mainly in places where I am not known. Where people have less expectations of me. So she turns up in my anonymous blog and she also turns up in Wanganui (where she tends to smoke ciggies  which she doesn’t do anywhere else). I think she is the embodiment of the girl who left England, before life got complicated. My migration seems traumatic in a sense so being online allows me to go back to the me that I like best, the me that got left behind when I was 25.

She’s smart but doesn’t take life to seriously, she loves people and fun and is hopelessly optimistic. It’s funny that she only appears online as a blog as online is the perfect place for her. I think that I believe that there is no place for her in normal society anymore, and that includes in most of cyberspace. As I write this I realise that’s it sad that I allow such a vital self to be hidden, especially as I believe it to be the essence of me…why would I hide her from the world.

One big friend

I’ve been spending a bit of time lately talking awy on facebook chat.

I’ve come to realise that I engage in the same way with everybody.

Strange

It came about when I was chatting to someone that i haven’t seen for seven year, I was chatting in the same way that I chat to my sister, to my friends that I see regularly. I thought Whoa! This isn’t natural.

If I saw someone that I was once close to that I hadn;t seen for some years I would effuse, I would enthuse, I would in general bubble over. But here I was talking in this neutral kind of way.

I wondered what could be happening.
What I think was happening was that I view the “other” as one big entitity. The words are not enough to define individuality. yesterday I felt bored an really unconnected. what’s the point in engaging in this way when it is all so neutral? Yesterday I felt deeply unsatisfied.

Today however, I reflect on hhow relationships need to build online. That 10 minutes of back and forth with and old friends is unsatisfactory but building that relationship, through regular contact may change that, and reduce the ennui.

Am I alone in experiencing this? What are the implications for counselling?

Making new friends

My boss asked to be my facebook friend today. Not, like. my immediate boss but my big big boss.

I balked.

I said no.

Usually I find it hard to say no to the big big boss. But this no came out like water under pressure.

I think I may have even whined “but then I’d have to self edit”

Refelcting on this I wondered why i had this reaction. This guy knows me, employs me, sees me most days. My facebook was has always had a degree of reticence about it in case I ever want a job as a politician. So why would I be so fearful about him seeing “Me”

This realtes to that whole area of online presentation. Who are we? I feel like I’m authentic at work so whywould I be afrid of sharing. Certainly other work mates are on my face book. But I guess there’s heirarchy thing. What would he think if he knew”that”

As I write, I remind myself that I often am bothered by thinking about what others think of me. This is my own stuff and it’s great to reflect and see that this is what is happening. And that is the beauty of self reflection

He wants to read this blog too….not a chance!

What the….

Reflecting on the process of writing the last post. very aware that actually I wanted somebody to read it. How narcissistic. Didn’t take long to get from performance anxiety to drama queen. Links to the idea that experiences come quicker on the internet…Love, friendship, support, rage, offense and seemingly journalistic pretensions

The experience project

I seem to have been avoiding posting. I seem tohave been avoiding a lot of things. Seems that even in cyberspace I can’t escape from performance anxiety. Seems a little presumptive given that this blog has a likely readership of three or possibly four people. It’s hardly the telegraph now is it.

Anyone I have been trawling around

and I have found some interesting places

Like this one an online confessional

http://www.experienceproject.com/index.php

I should have had my blog here

I like the idea of a place where peopple can engage anonymously with out the rigmarole of a standard social netowrking site. Straight to the point, pour your heart out, no social niceties needed. Like drunken late night pshing with strangers.

No warm up. Just bleeding all over the floor.

It fits with the instant gratification that people seek. The clicking behavour. Sure there are still many conventions that need to be obeyed in cyber space. For a newbie seeking help, support, or friendship it might seem a long winded process, watching, lurking, platitudes then into the swing of things.

The process at the experience project seems more , I don’t know, more urgent maybe.

There is even a place to confess anonymously. A place to rid one self of shame, or to receive the flagellation that one believes one deserves.

Hell, I think it looks awesome and I’m about to go come up with a pseuodnym and go share some nasty secrets

On presentation

I’m finding it interesting thinking about the different ways that we can present online. It assumes a sense of importance. One must present authentically but, as it was pointed out to me today….does it matter? We all choose to present ourselves in various guises throughout the day whether online or not. All are authentic. I don’t buy the idea of different selves: we are a sum of many many parts.

In relationship to therapy i htink that there might be some fear attached to engaging these lesser seen elements of our personality. A sense that there is “something wrong with me”. As a counsellor and as someone learning more about online presence it’s important to normalise this. We all have these fears, we all worry about authenticity and being good enough. These experiences do not point to some greater psychopathology.